Intro; Introduction; A Different Kind of Empathy; The Power of the System; The Emotion of Intimacy; Mirroring All Realities; The Structure of the Book; References; Contents; Chapter 1: Opening Our Eyes; 1.1 Expectations and Standards; 1.2 Curiosity and Joy; 1.3 Hiding, Secrecy, and Avoidance; 1.4 Accusation and Blaming; 1.5 Mistakes, Betrayal, and Revenge; 1.6 Rejection and Pain; References; Chapter 2: Fighting with Shame; 2.1 The Dark Matter of Relationships; 2.2 Knowing and Not Knowing; 2.3 Not Wanting to Admit We Are Feeling Shame; 2.4 Not Knowing How to Talk When We Feel Shame.
2.5 Talking While Being Aware of Shame; 2.6 Withdrawing; 2.7 Transferring Shame; 2.8 Dangerous but Not All Bad; 2.9 The Shift from Hell to Heaven Is Sometimes Only One Sentence Away; References; Chapter 3: Communicating with Shame: Monitoring the Presence of Shame in Conversations; 3.1 The Dangers of Conversing; 3.2 The Benefits of Ineffective Communication; 3.3 The Irresistibility of Saying "You" Instead of "I"; 3.4 Why "Never" and "Always" Are Not Always Bad; 3.5 Interrupting Shame; 3.6 Shame Is Not the Best Mind Reader; 3.7 The Need to Have Influence.
3.8 Knowing that Leads to Better Communication; References; Chapter 4: Systemic Mirroring: A Model for Shame Regulation; 4.1 The Triple Effect of Shame; 4.1.1 The Problem of Shame on the Individual Level: Loss of Voice; 4.1.2 The Problem of Shame at the Relational Level: Loss of Connection; 4.1.3 The Problem of the Observer/Group: Loss of Empathy; 4.2 The Systemic Mirroring Intervention; 4.2.1 A Pain-Regulating Intervention; 4.2.2 From Dyad to Triad; 4.2.3 Speaking for the Person as a Way to Resolve the Triple Effects of Shame; 4.2.4 An Example of Regulating Shame in Parent-Child Conflict.
4.3 Monitoring the Level of Shame in the Conversation; References; Chapter 5: Regulating the Shame of Parents: Helping Them to Become the Best Team They Can Be; 5.1 The Central Role of the Parents' Relationship in Regulating Shame in the Family; 5.2 A Dilemma for Therapists; 5.3 Responding to Different Levels of Shame in the Parents' Relationship; 5.4 The Recovery of the Parental "Loss of Voice"; 5.5 Parental Team Building; 5.6 Parents Helping Each Other Shift Out of High Shame States; 5.6.1 Regulating Shame by Reminding the Parent of His or Her Values.
5.6.2 Regulating Shame by Reminding the Parent of His or Her Influence; 5.6.3 Regulating Shame by Moving Closer, Appreciating, and Experiencing Togetherness; References; Chapter 6: Regulating Intense Shame of Noncooperative Adolescents: When Dialogue Breaks Down; 6.1 The Effects of Intense Shame; 6.1.1 On the Individual Level; 6.1.2 On the Relationship Level; 6.1.3 On the Observer/Group Level; 6.2 Shameful or Shameless?; 6.3 The Fundamentals of Regulating Intense Shame; 6.4 Systemic Exposure; 6.4.1 Renegotiating What Is Private and What Is Public.
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This accessible guide introduces systemic mirroring, an innovative approach to understanding and managing the disruptive presence of shame in family therapy. Shame is analyzed in individual and interpersonal contexts, and in two basic problematic states--experiencing too much or too little shame--often found at the root of serious problems between children and their parents. The author offers potent conversation-based strategies for working with children, adolescents, and their families, and for working with parents to resolve their own shame issues so they can improve their relationships with their children. The author also illustrates how shame regulation can improve the bond between client and therapist and produce lasting effects as clients learn to disengage from shame. This practical resource: Offers an innovative approach to dealing with shame in therapy Integrates practical methods for use with children, adolescents, and parents Discusses how shame derails interpersonal communication Provides interventions for shame management and dealing with the state of shamelessness Shows how parents can regulate their own shame at the couple level Applies these methods to school settings Shame Regulation Therapy for Families aides the work of professionals such as psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and school psychologists who work with children and their families on shame management.