Cover; Half Title; Title Page; Copyright Page; Dedication; Table of Contents; Acknowledgements; Introduction; Notes to reader; Notes; PART I: Creating a safe place inside; 1. In the beginning -- a stone; Timeline: the first 11 years; Deciding to start therapy; Background; Keeping secrets; To choose therapy is to choose life; Becoming a sphynx; A stone does not talk; A stone does not move; 2. Separating inside from outside; Timeline: still the first 11 years; Poetry or the ravings of a lunatic; The unspoken promise; Alternative communication; A private dictionary.
7. The story of incest: Keeping it all in the familyTimeline: year 16 of therapy; Incest leaves no space to be; On incest as being a sort of marriage; Note; 8. The danger of the good object; Timeline: years 16-17 of therapy; Kindness arouses the vicious cycle of incest; Incest and anorexia; Decoding some nonverbal signals; The death of the mother and the beginning of thinking; Danger in the desire to live; Hope; 9. On incest, blindness and paranoia; Timeline: 17-18 years into therapy; Different meanings of pleasure; Not to be is not to see is not to know; The danger of anger.
How do you know I'm telling the truth?Hypnosis; 3. Take out the badness, I want to be loved; Timeline: 11 years into therapy; The struggle over a womb; A concrete enactment of the four-letter word; The assaulted doll; Emotional rape; A terrifying nightmare; Petrified immobility; Starved for love; Giving words to the unspeakable; Enacting abortion; On the sense of conviction; In and out of the madness; The ''Humpty Dumpty" metaphor; The development of emotional thinking and the sense of reality; A response to separation; "I did the other one"; Sterilization as turning point.
Immobility: mother's unconscious death wish4. From dead ends to DID; Time line: years 11-22; Countertransference to the sterilization procedure; The Hanged Doll; A therapist's amnesia; And now we must bury her in the garden; "So therapy is a real space!"; From mother's death to giving life; "Maybe I'm not the real one. I'm the imaginary person"; Immobility: being the dead aborted baby; The danger of suicide; Notes; 5, An alternative way to communicate: Written language; Timeline: years 11-22; A first narrative; A borrowed voice; A precise choice of words; No integration.
Taking ownership over her voiceAnother reality; After death of mother, possibility of living with father; A new word for the dictionary: the development of language; The lost and found experience of the written words; A theoretical issue: object constancy; Notes; 6. How can I know that we are real?; Timeline: years 11-22 in therapy; How can one know what is real?; Unbearable guilt; Asperger's syndrome: that must be the answer!; Silence is not to get lost in meaningless words; When a haircut makes you naked; A lesson from the abused: on the importance of being believed.
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Madness or Knowing the Unbearable Truth : A Psychoanalytic Journey in Search of Sanity.